


My Fantastic Beasts Immortal

by LoonWhisperer



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Bad Smut, Buckle up, Central Park sex, Cheating, Eddie is Tara AND Gerard Way, Eddie is Tara and Amy Lee but not Gerard, F/F, F/M, I haven't figured out whether to choose Albus or Aberforth to be "Serious", Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Inferi, Katherine is Gerard, Leta is Harry, M/M, Multi, My Immortal - Freeform, Only goffik people allowed, SNAP and LOOPIN will be played by graves and abernathy, Second salemerz go away, Self Harm, She is called Magizoologist rather than Vampire, Strudel - Freeform, Stubby Boardman is also Gerard, Suicide Attempt, The Apollo, The Weird Sisters, Wizarding Bands, actually that earlier tag is wrong, again it doesn't need to make sense, but shhhh, does not make sense, either for the characters or the 'author', every morning newt drinks swooping evil venom and makes sure his hair is fluffy, hagrid is credence, idiotic donderheads, idk what to say it's my immortal but with newton artemis fido scamander, it doesn't need to make sense, it is gonna be a trip, oh also dumbledore will probably be in this but not as dumbledore, ok yes i realize having 90s wizard bands in place of 2000s 'goffik' ones, second salemerz don't flame ok, they speak random hebrew instead of random japanese, you did not come here for logic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 14:54:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 10,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10414680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoonWhisperer/pseuds/LoonWhisperer
Summary: My name is Newt Artemis Fido Scamander and I have messy reddish-brown hair and hazel-green eyes that make the fan girls weep. A lot of people tell me I look like Eddie Redmayne (A/N: If u don’t know who he is then get da hell out of here!) I have pale freckled skin that burns and freckles even more in the sunlight.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by rush-sykes, who asked "Ok imagine a fantastic beasts fic but in the legendary style of my immortal."
> 
> MerryLilHobbit wrote this chapter. :)
> 
> \-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im beasty) 2 my bf (ew not in that way) dan, nomaj613 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Hannah ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! THE HOBGOBLINS ROK!

My name is Newt Artemis Fido Dan Scamander and I have messy reddish-brown hair and hazel-green eyes that make the fan girls weep. A lot of people tell me I look like Eddie Redmayne (A/N: If u don’t know who he is then get da hell out of here!) I have pale freckled skin that burns and freckles even more in the sunlight. I’m also a wizard but I got kicked out of Hogwarts because I’m too nice a person and took the blame for a crime I didn’t commit. I’m a Magizoologist (if u don’t know what that is then get da hell out of here!) and I always carry around my suitcase full of creatures. Today I was wearing my fabulous long blue coat with a shirt, a waistcoat and a smart bow tie as well as practical leather boots and trousers. I was in New York and it was December so there was no sun, which I was happy about. A group of New Salemers stared at me when I went to the bank. I told them I was a Chaser and grinned at how clever I was.

“MR SCAMANDER!”

I turned and it was…Porpentina Goldstein! (But we all call her Tina because she hexes you for calling her Porpentina)

“Hello, Miss Goldstein. What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Did you obliviate that no-maj?” She asked.

I didn’t know what a no-maj was so I didn’t answer - I was about to ask when I saw my Niffler scurrying up the steps to the bank and I had to leave.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “OMFG, I saw you talking to Tina Goldstein yesterday!” he said excitedly.
> 
> “Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Fangz 2 nomaj613 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW second salemers stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in Tina’s bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my case and drank some swooping evil venom from a bottle I had. My case was brown leather and inside it was wooden decks with stairs on the ends. I got out of my case and took of my giant Hobgoblins t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a brown suede waistcoat, a black bowtie, leather boots and black trousers on. I put on four bowtruckles in my buttonhole and put my hair in front all messy.

My friend, Jacob (AN: Dan dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He mussed his short raven black hair and opened his chocolate-brown eyes. He put on his Blodwyn Blood t-shirt with a black waistcoat, trousers and shiny leather shoes. We put on our coats (grey regular coat and blue pea coat.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Tina Goldstein yesterday!” he said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Tina?” he asked as we went out of the Goldsteins’ bedroom and into the front room.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. Just then, Tina walked up to me.

“Hi.” she said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” she said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, the Weird Sisters are having a concert at the Apollo.” she told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love the Weird Sisters. They are my favorite band, besides the Hobgoblins.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” she asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I put on a matching bowtie around my neck. I fluffed my hair and made it look all messy. I felt a little depressed then, so I let the swooping evil bite me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY SECOND SALEMERZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da beasty ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN DAN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 The Weird Sisters.

On the night of the concert I put on my brown lace-up boots that go to my mid calf. Underneath them were black pants. Then I put on a tan-colored waistcoat with all this button stuff up and down it. I put on a matching bowtie around my neck. I fluffed my hair and made it look all messy. I felt a little depressed then, so I let the swooping evil bite me. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some WS. I put on my coat and put Pickett in the pocket. I didn’t put on my scarf because I was warm already. I drank some swooping evil venom so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Tina was waiting there in front of her flying car. She was wearing a Lorcan d’Eath t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black dress pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl witchez wer it ok!).

“Hi Tina!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Newt.” she said back. We walked into her flying black Model T (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to The Weird Sisters and Blodwyn Blood. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to The Weird Sisters.

“Your hands are shaking baby  
You ain’t been sleeping lately  
There’s something out there  
And it don’t seem very friendly does it?  
If I could help you I would help ya  
But it’s difficult  
There’s something much more powerful  
Than both of us possessing me.” sang Myron (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Myron is so fucking hot.” I said to Tina, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Tina looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Tina sensitively and she put her arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Myron and he’s going out with Madam fucking Bletchley. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Tina. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Kirley and Myron for their autographs and photos with them. We got WS concert tees. Tina and I crawled back into the Model T, but Tina didn’t go back into her apartment, instead she drove the car into……………………… Central Park!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I sed stup flaming ok newt’s name is NWET nut gary stu OK! TINA IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat she is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

“TINA!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Tina didn’t answer but she stopped the flying car and she walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Newt?” she asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Tina leaned in extra-close and I looked into her beasty red eyes (she was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Tina kissed me passionately. Tina climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. I took of her top and she took of my clothes. She even took of her bra. Then I put my thingie into her you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Seraphina!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They were having sexual intercourse in Central Park!” she yelled in a furious voice.
> 
> “Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked the random Auror.
> 
> “How dare you?” demanded Mr. Graves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a second salemer or a posr! Da only reson Seoraphina swor is coz she had a hedache ok an on tup of dat she wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good conments!

Seraphina made and Tina and I follow him. She kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” she shouted.

I started to cry tears of swooping evil down my freckled face. Tina comforted me. When we went back to MACUSA Seraphina took us to Mr. Graves and another Auror who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in Central Park!” she yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked the random Auror.

“How dare you?” demanded Mr. Graves.

And then Tina shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

Everyone was quiet. Seraphina and the random Auror still looked mad but Mr. Graves said. “Fine. Very well. You may go home.”

Tina and I left to go back to her apartment while the MACUSA employees glared at us.

“Are you okay, Newt?” Tina asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the washroom down into my case and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into black trousers with pinstripes all over it and brown boots. When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘This Is The Night’ by The Weird Sisters. I was so flattered, even though I hadn't invited her down there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and she reluctantly went back up into her room.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m so sorry.” she said in a shy voice.
> 
> “That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.
> 
> “My name’s Leta Lestrange, although most people call me Magizoologist these days.” she grumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: shjt up second salemerz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood coments!

The next day I woke up in my case. I put on black trousers that were all ripped around the ends and a tan waistcoat with buttons all down it and high boots that were brown. I put on two bowtruckles in my lapels, and two more magen-david shaped ones on my shoulders. I spray-painted my hair with hairspray.

In the Goldsteins' kitchen, I ate some Wheaties cereal with swooping evil venom instead of milk, and a glass of swooping evil venom. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the venom spilled over my waistcoat.

“Bitch!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the light brown face of a beasty woman with fluffy black hair with red flowers in it. She was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and she was wearing black lipstick. She didn’t have earrings anymore and now she was wearing red contact lenses just like Tina’s and there was no scar on her arm anymore. She had a pretty smile. She had a sexy English accent. She looked exactly like Zoe Kravitz. She was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw her kind of like getting wet only I’m a boy so I didn’t you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” she said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Leta Lestrange, although most people call me Magizoologist these days.” she grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of swooping evil venom.” she giggled.

“Well, I am a magizoologist.” I confessed.

“Really?” she whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Tina came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with her.


	7. Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh Tina, Tina!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Tina’s arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god conments. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Nowt isn’t a Garie Stu ok he isn’t perfect HES A BEAST MAN! n he has problemz hes depressed 4 godz sake!

Tina and I held our hands -- her pale white one and my freckled one -- as we went into her room. I had bite marks on my hands in between my thumb and finger (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Garu Stu 2 u?). I waved to Magizoologist. Dark misery was in her depressed eyes. I guess she was jealous of me that I was going out with Tina. Anyway, I went into the room excitedly with Tina. We locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. I felt her up before she took of her top. Then she took off her black leather bra and I took off my pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then I put my boy’s thingy in hers and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh Tina, Tina!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Tina’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Magizoologist!

I was so angry.

“You bitch!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Tina pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. 

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Tina ran out even though she was naked. Her you-know-whats bounced sexily but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Leta's conference room at MACUSA where she was having a meeting with Mr. Graves and some other people.

“MAGIZOOLOGIST LESTRANGE, YOU LITTLE CUNT!” I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone in the conference room stared at me and then Tina came in even though she was naked and started begging me to take her back.
> 
> “Newt, it’s not what you think!” Tina screamed sadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a second salemer!

Everyone in the conference room stared at me and then Tina came in even though she was naked and started begging me to take her back.

“Newt, it’s not what you think!” Tina screamed sadly.

My brother B'loody Auror smiled at me understatedly. He flipped his luxurious red-brown hair and opened his crimson eyes like beasts' that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had pale skin like me that he had freckles on it. Theseus was kidnapped when he was born. Our real parents are magizoologists and one of them is a witch but Grindelwald killed our mother and our father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. We still have nightmares about it and we are very haunted and depressed. It also turns out his real last name is Scamander and not Smith. (Since he has converted to beastliness he is in Hufflepuff now not Griffindoor. )

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Graves demeaned angrily in his harsh voice but I ignored him.

“Magizoologist, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Tina!” I shouted at her.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Newt was so mad at me. I had went out with Magizoologist (I’m bi and so is Newt) for a while but then she broke my heart. She dumped me because she liked Mary Lou, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. She had gone through horrible problems, and now she was beastly. (Haha, like I would hang out with a second salemer.)

“But I’m not going out with Tina anymore!” said Magizoologist.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bitch!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into Central Park where I had lost my virility to Tina and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought about Magizoologist and her sexah eyes and her fluffy black hair and how her face looks just like Zoe Kravitz. I remembered that Tina had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Tina went out with Magizoologist before I went out with her and they broke up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn watch da whole moovie! dis is frum da screenplay ok so itz nut my folt if Seraphin swers! besuizds I SED SHE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson gravs dosent lik leta now is coz hes christian and magizoologist likes beasts! THE HOBGOBLINS ROK!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Tina for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Tina.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with colorless eyes and no hair pigmentation and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have hair pigmentation (basically like Grindelwald in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t into beasts. It was…… Grindelwald!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Grindelwald shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

“Dougal!” I shouted at him. Grindelwald fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Newt.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Leta Lestrange!”

I thought about Magizoologist and her sexah eyes and her fluffy black hair and how her face looks just like Zoe Kravitz. I remembered that Tina had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Tina went out with Magizoologist before I went out with her and they broke up?

“No, Grindelwald!” I shouted back.

Grindelwald gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Tina!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Grindelwald got a dude-ur-so-dumb look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Magizoolist, then thou know what will happen to Tina!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Tina came into the woods.

“Tina!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” she said back but her face was all sad. She was wearing subtle purple lipstick and light blush kind of like Katherine Waterston.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” she answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” she said all depressed and we went back into her flat together making out.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody auror isn’t a muggle afert al n she n magizoologist r beast keepers datz y dey movd houses ok!

I was really scared about Grindlewald all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my beasty band The Beastie Boys. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between WS, Spellbound and The Hobgoblins. The other people in the band are B’loody Auror, Magizoologist, Tina, Queenie (although we call her Diabola now. She has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Crerdence. Only today Tina and Magizoologist were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Tina was probably letting the swooping evil bite her (she wouldn’t die because she was a magizoologist too and the only way you can kill a magizoologist is with a m-a-g-e-n d-a-v-i-d (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a strudel) and Magizoologist was probably watching a depressing movie like Die Fledermaus. I put on a brown waistcoat that showed off my abs and long matching trousers that said Lorcan d'Eath on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ (a song about Rowena Ravenclaw's daughter) and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Newt! Are you OK?” B’loody Auror asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Grindelwald came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Leta! But I don’t want to kill her, because, she’s really nice, even if she did go out with Tina. But if I don’t kill Leta, then Grindelwald, will fucking kill Tina!” I burst into tears.  
Suddenly Tina jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” she shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser no-maj bastard!” (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Tina started to cry too all sensitive. Then she ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Seraphina walked in angrily! Her eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause she had a headache.

“What have you done!” She started to cry powerfully. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time she wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Newt Tina has been found in his room. She committed suicide by letting the swooping evil bite her.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Abra Kedavra!” she yelled at Graves and Abernaathy pointing her wang. I took my gun and shot Graves and Abernaathy a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Seryphina ran in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: i sed stup flaming up second salemerz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend dan 4 hleping me!

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Auror tried to comfort me but I told him fuck off and I ran to my case crying myself. Grindelwald chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my case cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of swooping evil venom and then I let the swooping evil bite me twice. It got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Spellbound song at full volume. I grabbed a strudel and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a white low-cut shirt with a waistcoat over it sandly. I put on brown high boots with dirt on the bottoms and six bowtruckles on my shoulders. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Gravs was spying on me and he was taking a picture of me! And Abernaathy was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU CREEPS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Blodwyn Bludd on it. Suddenly Magizoologist ran in.

“Abra Kedavra!” she yelled at Graves and Abernaathy pointing her wang. I took my gun and shot Graves and Abernaathy a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Seryphina ran in. “Newt, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she shouted looking at Graves and Abernaathy and then she waved her wand and suddenly…

Crerdence ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Crerdence? You’re just a little Ilvermorny student!”

“I MAY BE AN ILVERMORNY STUDENT….” Crerderence paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A KEEPER OF BEASTS!”

“This cannot be.” Gravs said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Seryphina’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Abernaathy held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the film is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough swooping evil venom.

“Why are you doing this?” Abernaathy said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his jackt.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Cerdence said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a beasty version of a song by Celestina Warbeck.

“Because you’re beasty” Gravs asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with The Beast.

“Because I LOVE HIM!”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: stop f,aing ok crerdence is a creep 2 a lot of ppl in amerika r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no gravs iant kristian plus crerdence isn’t really in luv wif newt dat was da sudnese girl ok!

I was about to let the swooping evil Dina had given me in case anything happened to her bite me. She had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS CREIRdence but it was Magizoologist. She started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. her eyes rolled up! You could only see her red whites.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the jarvey bite!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabola changed it into a beast feeding chart for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” she said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the jarvey bite! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Tina…………….Grinefwald has him bondage!”

Anyway I was in the MACUSA medical office now recovering from my swooping evil bites. Gravs and Abernaathy and CREHRENCE were there too. They were going to Beth Mango (the wizard hospital in New YOrk) after they recovered cause they were creeps and you can’t have those fucking pervs working in MACUSA with lots of hot guyz. Seraphina had constipated the pivture camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Crerdence came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Nwet I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up second salemers like you.” I snapped. Crerdence had been mean to me before for being beasty.

“No Nwet.” Crerdence says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they beasts too you poser second salemer?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.  
“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Bertie Bott picture made from your shower scene and being vued by Gravs and Abernaathy.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Now, Believe that Magic works don't be afraid afraid of beING HURT! .

“That’s not a spell that’s a Weird Sisters song.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “I close my eyes and squeeze you from my consciousness(4 all u cool beasty weird sisters fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for dan I love you man!)imo noto okayo!”

And then the roses turned into a huge creature habitat floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a second salemer.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Tima?”

Creirdence rolled his eyes. I looked into the depths of the habitat but I could c nothing.

“U c, Nweet,” Seryphina said, watching the two of us watching the habitat. “2 c wht iz n da hbbtat u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD LADY!” Crerdence yelled. sERyphina lookd shockd. I guess she didn’t have a headache or else she would have said something back.

Creirdence stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, madam piqueryy!”

Anyway when I got better I went down into my case and put on a tan waistcoat that was all too small and didn't close on the bottom. There was some button stuff on the front. Then I put on black trousers and brown high boots with pictures of Stubby Boardman on them. I fluffed my hair all in front of me so I looked like Christine from Phantom of the Opera (if u don’t know who she iz ur a second salemer so fuk off! also its the 1920s version duh) and I put on a black bowtie, black cufflinks and a black jacket.

“You look chamud, bro.” B’loody Auror said sadly. “Fangs (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I let the swooping evil bite me twice feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the clasps on the case so Gravs and Abernaathy couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to feed some creatures. Magizoologist was feeding a Hippogriff. She looked all depressed because Tina had disappeared and she had used to be in love with Tina. She was sucking doing some experiments on a No-Maj.

“Hi.” she said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Leta had beautiful deep brown eyes so much like Tinas. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted an Auror who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Magizoologist you fucker!” I said slapping her. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Tina!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then she started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. her eyes rolled up! You could only see her red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabola changed it into a creature feeding chart for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” she said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Tina…………….Grindefwald has her bondage!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPECIAL FANGZ 2 DAN MY BEASTY VENOM BROTHER WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111
> 
> HEY DAN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t give a darn what Grindelwald does to Tina. Not after how much she misbehaved especially with YOU Newt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: dan fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of eddie but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! SECOND SALEMERZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

Magizoologist and I ran up the ladder looking for Seraphina. We were so scared.

“Seraphina Seryphina!” we both yelled. Seraphina came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” she asked angrily.

“Grinselwald has Tina!” we shouted at the same time.

She laughed in an evil voice.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Tina!” we begged.

“No.” she said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Grindelwald does to Tina. Not after how much she misbehaved especially with YOU Newt.” she said while she frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked her that much anyway.” then she walked away. Magizoologist started crying. “My Tina!” she moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay girlz r lik so hot!)

“Its okay!” I tried to tell her but that didn’t stop her. She started to cry tears of venom. Then she had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” she exclaimed.

“What?” I asked her.

“You’ll see.” she said. She took out her wand and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we were in Grindelwqld’s lair!

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!”  
It was……………………………….. Grindelwald!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why couldn’t Paracelsus have made me less beautiful?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: fuk off SECOND SALEMERZ ok! Dan fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I let a reptile bite me at the zoo. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god conments!

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

We ran to where Grincelwald was. It turned out that Grindelwald wasn’t there. Instead the lady who tried to kill Tina was. Tina was there crying tears of venom. Bernadette was torturing her. Magizoologist and I ran in front of Bernadette.

“Rid my sight you despicable second salemers!” she shouted as we started shooting her with the gun she Then suddenly she looked at me and she fell down with a lovey-dovey look in her eyes. “NewtIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” she said. 

“Huh?” I asked.  
”Newt I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Bernadette. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my gf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bitch.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed her in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

“Nooooooooooooo!” she screamed. She started screaming and running around. Then she fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

“Bernadette what art thou doing?” called Grindelwald. Then…… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Tina's flat. We went to my case. Magizoologist went away. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Tina taking off her clothes so we could screw. She had pale skin (geddit cuz shes a baby vamp) and really beautiful you-know-whats and everything.

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other guys and second salemers here except for B’loody Auror, because he’s not ugly or anything.”

“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the second salemers anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Tina.

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Graves and Abernaathy took a video of me naked. Crerdence says he’s in love with me. Magizoologist likes me and now even Bernadette is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Tina! Why couldn’t Paracelsus have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory nwet isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told him hes handsome) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyway I went out of my shed feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I fed sum Mooncalves. I was tending to the Occamy chicks. Suddenly one of the Occamy chicks turned to Tina!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona go to the zoo and get bit! fangz 2 dan 4 hlpein!

“Newt Newt!” shouted Tina sadly. “No, please, come back!”

But I was too mad.

“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Magizoologist!” I shouted. I stormed into my case and closed my lid with my golden clasps. They had pictures of Bloodwyn Bludd on them. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Tina and Magizoologist. I started to cry and weep. I took the swooping evil and started to let it bite me. I drank the blood and venom all depressed. Then I looked at my black WS watch and noticed it was time to go to feed the creatures.

I put on a ripped white beasty shirt that said Destroy the Humans on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a tan waistcoat. Under that I put on ripped black trousers and boots that said Myron all over them with blood red letters. I put my gingery brown hair out. Anyway I went out of my shed feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I fed sum Mooncalves. I was tending to the Occamy chicks. Suddenly one of the Occamy chicks turned to Tina!

“Nwet I love you!” she shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker second salemers and posers fink. Ur da most handsome boy in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!.” Then……………. she started to sing “This Is The Night” (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Myron was singing it) right in front of all the creatures! Her singing voice was so amazing and beasty and sexxy like a cross between Eddie, Myron, Stubby, Donaghan and Blodwyn Bludd (AN: don’t u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

“OMFG.” I said after she was finished. Some fucking grindylows stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in bite marks and were entwined with Tina’s now) at them. “I love you!” I said and then we started to kiss just like Madam Bletchley (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and JTT in an Amortentia Story. Then we went away holding hands. The Erumpent shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that The Hobgoblins would have a concert in The Apolo right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Wtf Tina im not going to a concert wid u!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its The Hobgoblins n u no how much I lik them”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut second salemerz! dan u suk u fuken basard gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Dan wtf u basard ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 loonwhisperer 4 techin muh hebrw!

We ran happily to The Apolo. There we saw the stage where WS had played. We ran in happly. The Hobgoblins were there playing ‘Helena’. I was so fucking happy! Stubby looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Tina thought so, I could totally smell her getting aroused but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a tan waistcoat and brown leather boots with gray ripped trousers. Tina was wearing a black baggy Hobgoblins t-shirt and black baggy slacks. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Stubby pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,……………………….. Grinselwald and da Inferi!

“Wtf Tina im not going to a concert wid u!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its The Hobgoblins n u no how much I lik them”

“What cause we…you know…” she gadgetted uncomfortbli cause girls don’t like to talk a bout you-know-what.

“Yeah cause we you know!” I yielded in an angry voice.

“We won’t do that again.” Tina promised. “This time, we’re going with an ESCORT.”

“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked. “So I guess ur a second salemer or a Christina or what now?”

“NO.” she muttered loudly.

“R u becoming a second salemer or what?” I shootd angrily.

“Nwet! I’m not! Pls come with me!” She fell down to her knees and started singing ‘Magic Works’ by WS to me.

I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, she had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

“OK then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went down 2 my case.

B’loody Auror was standing there. “Ma shlomech man.” he said happily (he spex Hebrew so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in hebrew). “BTW Jacob that fucking poser got obliviated. he failed at keeping on the downlow and macusa found out.” (an: DAN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)

“It serves that fuking basard right.” I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some beasty movies like King koNG (a/n: i no its not out yet in 1926 ok but dey had a time turner). “Maybe Jacob will die too.” I said.

“Chamud.” B’loody Auir shook his head enrgtically lethrigcly. “Oh yeah o have a confession after he got obliviutd I murdered him and den abernaathy did it with him cause he’s a necphilak.”

“Chamud.” I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

“OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with tima tonight at The Apolo with the hobgoblins.” I sed. “ I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.”

B’Loody Auroir Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”

“In Macy's, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Macy's Loiyalty carde.

“No.” My head snaped up.

‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “B’Loody Auror are u a SECOND SALEMER?”

“NOOOO!NOOOO!” He laughed. “I found some cool beasty stores near the flat that’s all.”

“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be Tima or Queenie or Magizoologist(don’t even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.

“Seryphina.” He sed. “Let me just call our broms.”

“OMFFG SERYPHINA?” I asked quietly.

“Yah I saw the map for Harlem on his desk.” He told me. “Come on let’s go.”

We were going in a few stylish stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Harlem. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN KATHERINE EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and she gave me a few waistcoats. “We only have these for da real beasts.”

“Da real beasts?” Me and B’Loody Auror asked.

“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday abernaathy and gravs tried to buy a beasty camera pouch.” She shook her head. “I dint even no they had a camera.”

“OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long white shirt with lots of fabric coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

“Oh my paracelsus you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said.

“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said B’Loody Auror.

“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” she asked.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at her. “Hey BTW my name’s newdt artemis fido EDDIE scamander what’s yours?”

“Ruby.” She said and ran a hand through her black-dyed hair. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my gf tima you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before she could beg me to go with her, Crerdence flew in on his black broom looking worried. “OMFG NEWDT U NEED OT GET BACK TO MACUSA NOW!”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> racola used to be called Chastity but it tuned out dat she was kidnapped at birth and her real family were magizoologists. They dyed in a car crash. Chastity converted to Beastyism and she went beasty. She was in Thundirbird now. She was wearing a black dress and shoes and black hair wif a red bow in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a second salemer den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a second salemer or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz jacb isn’t rely a second salemer. Dan plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!

Ruby gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. She said she wud help us wif makeup if she wunted koz she was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (shes bisezual). Crerdnece kept shooting at us to cum back 2 MACUSA. “WTF Crerdence?” I shouted angrily. “Fuck off you fjucking bastard.” Well anyway Jacob came. Crerdnece went away angrily.

“Hey asshole you look chamud.” he said.

“Yah but not as chamud as you.” I answered sadly cause Jacob's really handsome and everything. He was wearing a black waistcoat-thingy with black satin trim on it and a blak blood-red shirt, leather trousers and black shiny shoes that showed off how pale he wuz. He had a really nice body and face wif big eyes and everything. He was round enouff u could tell he lives comfortably and cud take care of u.

“So r u going 2 da concert wif Tina?” he asked.

“Yah.” I said happily.

“I’m gong with Diabola.” he anserred happily. Well anyway Tina and Diabola came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Diabola was wearing a pink dress with black lace on it. She was wearing tons off makeup jus like Lillian Gish. Tina was wearing black leather trousers, a beasty black WS t-shirt and black shoes he got from da last concert. B’loody Aurt was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Chastity but it tuned out dat she was kidnapped at birth and her real family were magizoologists. They dyed in a car crash. Chastity converted to Beastyism and she went beasty. She was in Thundirbird now. She was wearing a black dress and shoes and black hair wif a red bow in it. We kall her Dracula now. Well anyway we al went 2 Tina’s black Model-T that her mom Rivka gave her. We did pot, coke and crak. Tina and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking second salemers. We soon got there…….I gapsed.

Stubby was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Stubby polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Stubby at all! It was an ugly icky man wif no hair pigmentation and colorless eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Tina. Tina and I came. It was…….Glinderwald and da Inferi!

“U moronic idiots!” he shooted angstily. “Nwet, I told u to kill Magizoologist. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Tina!”

“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Sudenly a beasty lady flu in on her broomstick. She had shurt blonde hair and a taaaaaall gold headress. She wus werring a blak robe dat had a gold eagle on da front. She shotted a spel and Glinderwald ran away. It was…………………………………SERYPHINA!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Those actors are so fucking hot.” Chastity was saying as suddenly a beasty lady with a gold headress and everything came. She was the same one who had chassed away Glinderwald yesterday. She had normal brown skin but she was wearing gold eyeliner and she had died her hare blonde.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken second salemer! fangz 2 dan 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a second salemer. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson seraphin swor is koz she trin 2 be beasti so der!

I woke up the next day in my case. I walked out of it and put on a black bowtie, brown waistcoat, sea-blue coat and a white really low-cut shirt that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a bowtruckle in my belly button instead of a belly ring.

(Da night before Tina and I rent back to the flat (geddit flat koz im beasty n I like plains). Searphina chased Glinderwald away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was blue and the broom-stuff was brown. There was dirt all over it. Tina had a black MACUSA boom. We went back to her room and we had you-know-what to a Blodwyn Bludd song.)

Well anyway I went out to the Dinning Room. There all da walls were painted blue and da tables were blue too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the blue pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Celestina Warbeck.

“WTF!” I shouted going to sit next to B’loody Auror and Jacob. B’loody Auror was wearing a brown leather coat with a Weird Sisters t-shirt, black trousers and black pointy boots. Jacob was wearing a long blak coat with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and trousers. Magizoologist, Dracula, and Tina came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Alison or Eddie Redmayne or Katherine Waterston. Everyone joined in cause we were all bi.

“Those actors are so fucking hot.” Chastity was saying as suddenly a beasty lady with a gold headress and everything came. She was the same one who had chassed away Glinderwald yesterday. She had normal brown skin but she was wearing gold eyeliner and she had died her hare blonde.

“……………….SERAPHINA?1!” we all gasped.

“WTF?” I shouted angrily. “I thought he was just wearing that to scare Grinselwald!”

“Hello everyone.” she said happily. “As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?”

Everyone from the opposite flat started to cheer. Well we beasty ones just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn’t believe what a poser she was!1.

“BTW you can call me Serena.” SHE CALLED AS WE LEFT to take care of the creatures.

“What a fucking poser!” Tina shouted angrily as we we to feed the Graphorns. We were holding hands. Magizoologist looked really jealous. I could see her crying water down her face (geddit, water lik Katherine Waterston) but I didn’t say anything. “I bet she’s havin a mid-life crisis!” Jacob shouted.

I was so fucking angry.


	19. Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You fucking bitch!” I moaned.
> 
> “No! Wait! It’s not what it fucking looks like!” she shouted.
> 
> But it was to late. I knew what I herd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken second salemer n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men conmenz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 dan 4m da help!11

All day we sat angerly finking about Serapphina. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da Hobgoblins concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

Anyway, I went to the living room sadly instead of feeding the creatures. Tina was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and she got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi girlz so hot).

“No one fucking understands me!1” she shouted angrily as her black hare went in her big brown eyes like Katherine Waterston in Alien: Corvenat. She was wearing black baggy slaicks, a black Hobgoblins t-shirt and a black jarvey. (geddit insted of jacket koz im beasty) I was wearing a white low cut top with a waistcoat over it a brown jacket, brown high boots and a magen-david-shaped bowtruckle in my belly button. My hair was al messy in front like Eddie Redmayne in Pillars of the Earth. (email me if u wana see da pik)

“Accuse me? What about me!” I growled.

“Buy-but-but-” she grunted.

“You fucking bitch!” I moaned.

“No! Wait! It’s not what it fucking looks like!” she shouted.

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Tina banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my tears streamed down my cheeks and made cool tracks over my freckles like Donaghan in the video for Magic Works (dan that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.

Suddenly Crerdence came. He had appearated.

“You gave me a fucking shock!” I shouted angrily dropping my pot. “Wtf do you fink you’re doing in da goldsteins' flat?”

Only it wasn’t just Crerdence. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Ruby or maybe Tina but it was Seryphina.

“Hey I need to ask you a question.” she said, pulling out her brown wanabe-beasty case. “What are u wearing to the concert?”

“U no who The Hobgoblins r!” I gasped.

“No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of beastz and no-majs were going 2.” She said. “Anyway Tina has a surprise for u.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No, actshelly (geddit, shell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns.” he growld angrily.
> 
> “Yah, so u can fuk ur magizoologist boifriend, huh?” I shouted sarkastikally.
> 
> “Fuker.” He said, gong away.
> 
> Well anyway, I put on a black bowrie, black cufflinks, and a blue coat and a bowtruckle. Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok second salemerz!1 fangz 2 dan 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz.

All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on blak trousers, a tan waistboat with buttons all over it, an brown compact boots. The Hobgoblins were gong 2 do the concert again, since Grinxelwald had taken over the last one. I let the swooping evil bite me while I moshed 2 The Hobgoblins in my case all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum waistcoats and moshing to Do the Hippogriff. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Tina so we could do it again.

“Wut de fucking hell r u doing!” I shouted angrily. It was Abernaathy! “R u gonna cum rape me or what.” I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Seryphina had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Gravs since he was a creep.

“No, actshelly (geddit, shell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns.” he growld angrily.

“Yah, so u can fuk ur magizoologist boifriend, huh?” I shouted sarkastikally.

“Fuker.” He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on a black bowrie, black cufflinks, and a blue coat and a bowtruckle. Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Graves and Abernaathy were in da middle of da empty stairway, doin it, and Red was watching!1

“Oh my god you ludacris idiot!” they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Red ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking second salemers. (btw grains is movd 2 thunderbird now)

“WTF is that why u wanted condoms?” I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)

“Only you wouldn’t give them to me!” Ambermathy shouted angrily.

“Well you shoulda told me.” I replayed.

“You dimwit!.” Grains began 2 shoot angrily. And then………I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

“Well xcuse me!” they both shouted angrily. “What was dat al about?”

“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me doing it with my girlfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I’ll show dis to Serafeely. So fuck off, u bastards!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Magizoologist, looking extremely fucking hot.

“WTF where’d Tina?” I asked him.

“Oh she’s bein a fucking bitch. She told me he wouldn’t cum.” Magizoologist said shaking her hed. “U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?”

Then….. she showed me her flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. She said her dogfather Rodolphine Lestrange had given it 2 her. The license plate on the front sed HOB666 on it. The one on da back said ‘NWET' on it.

……….I gasped.

We flew to the concert hall. The Hobgoblins were there, playing.

Magizoologist and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. Stubby was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing ‘Helena’ and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ……….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Tina, cryin in a corner.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “WHOSE THERE!” she shouted angrily. We saw Tiger come. It went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.
> 
> “IS ANY MEN THERE!” yelled Mrs. Esposito.
> 
> “No fuck u you muggle little poser you fukcing bich!” Magizoologist said under her breast in a disgusted way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat basard darn cuz it fok u second salemerz!1 woopz soz dan fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed!

Later we all went in the flat. Tina was crying in da living room. “Tina are u okay?” I asked in a beasty voice.

“No I’m not u fuking bastard!” she shouted angrily. She stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid she would commit suicide.

“Its ok Nwet.” said Magizoologist comfortly. “Ill make her feel better.”

“U mean you’ll go fuck her wont you!” I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Tina. Magizoologist came too.

“Tina please come!” she began to cry. Tears of blood came down her dark face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi girlz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)

And then………………………….. we herd sum footsteps! Magizoologist got out her blak invincibility coke. We both gut under it. We saw the landlady Mrs. Esposito there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in her hand.

“WHOSE THERE!” she shouted angrily. We saw Tiger come. It went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.

“IS ANY MEN THERE!” yelled Mrs. Esposito.

“No fuck u you muggle little poser you fukcing bich!” Magizoologist said under her breast in a disgusted way.

“EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!” yelled Mrs. Esposito. Den she heard Tiger meow. “Tiger is der any men unda da cloak!” she asked. Tiger nodded. And then……………………….Magizoologis frenched me! She did it jus as…………………….. Mrs. Esposito was taking of da cloak!1

“WHAT DA-” she yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum her. And den we saw Tina crying n bustin in2 tearz and letting the swooping evil bite her outside of da building.

“Tina!” I cried. “R u okay?”

“I guess though.” Tina weeped. We went back to my case frenching each other. Tina and I decided to watch Die Fledermaus (c isnt da deprezzin) in the shed together. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Ya Zo and MACUSA walked into the case!1


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE CITY MUST BE EVACUATED!”
> 
> “THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE CITIZENS!” yelled Monsieur Ya Zhou.
> 
> “YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRESIDENT ANY LONGER!” yelled Cecily. “YOU ARE TOO WEIRD AND YOUR HEADRESS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR GRINDELWALD WILL KILL YOUR CITIZENS!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: stfu! second salemerz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mrs. esposito itz dan’s folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding dan u fokieng rok second salemerz suk!1

All day everyone talked about MACUSA. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my case so I opened the lid. I was wearing brown, white, and blue striped pajamas. Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where………………. B;loody Auror, Magizoolist, Diabola, Tina, Dracula and Jacob!

I opened my sea-green eyes. Jacob was wearing a tight black waistcoat with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that he wart black trousers and black boots that was attached to the top. Magizoologist was wearing a Lorcan d'Eath dress and Vans. Tina was wearing a black Hobgoblins t-shirt and blak slacks and a leather coat. She looked just likee Katherine Waterston, and almost as fucking sexy. Magizoologist looked like Zoe Kravitz. B’loody Auror was wearing a tight black waistcoat that he had ripped so it showed of his chest with a white shirt that said ‘basard’ and other swear words and Hobgoblin lyrics on it kind of like shirt dress I had seen Eddie Redmayne wear once. Darkness (who is Modesty) was there too. She was weaving a ripped black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Cecily and Sam. It turns out that Darkness, Diabola, Cecily, and Sam's dad was a magizoologist. He committed suicide by letting a swooping evil bite him. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became beasty and converted to Bastliness.

“OMFG” I yielded as I jumped up. “Why the fuck are u all here?”

“Nwet something is really fucked up.” Tina said.

“OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.

“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look chamud anyway. Your so fucking handsome.” Tina said in a sexy voice.

“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.”

“I will I will.” she said.

So I just put on black bowtie, a blue coat, and some bowtruckles on my shoulders. Then I came. We all went outside the bulding and looked in from a widow. A fucking second salemer called Mary Lou from the New Salem Philanthropic Soociety was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink skirt and a Madam Bletchley t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the kitchen we could see Serafeely. Monsier Ya Zhou was there shouting at Seraphina. Bingley was there too.

“THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE CITY MUST BE EVACUATED!”

“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE CITIZENS!” yelled Monsieur Ya Zhou.

“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRESIDENT ANY LONGER!” yelled Bingley. “YOU ARE TOO WEIRD AND YOUR HEADRESS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR GRINDELWALD WILL KILL YOUR CITIZENS!”

“Very well.” Seraphina said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t evacuate the city. There is only one person who is capable of killing Grindelwald and he is in the city. And his name is…………………………………………………………………..Nwwt Artemis Fido Dan Scamander.”

Tina, Cecil, Sam, Darkness, Jacob, Magizoologist and B’loody Auror looked at each other………I gasped.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You fucking bithc!” yelled Tina at Magizoologist. “I want to shit next to him!1”
> 
> “No I do!” shouted.
> 
> “No he doesn’t fucking like u, you bitch!” yelled Tina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 conmenz!1 fangz 2 dan 4 da help n telin me bout da moovie manu rok letz go shopin 2getha!

The door opened and Cecily and Monsieur Ya Zhou stomped out angrily. Then Seraphera and Bingley sawed us.

“MRS. SCAMANDER WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Bingley shouted angrily. Seraphina blared at her.

“Oops she made a mistake!” she corrupted her. “She means hi everybody cum in!”

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other wizards and witches. I sat between Darkness and Tina and opposite B’loody Auror. Sam and Cecily started 2 make some morbid jokes. They looked exactly like Fleur Delacour and Viktor Krum. I eight some Wheaties and drank som swooping evil venom from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was………Magizoologist! She and Tina were shooting at eachother.

“Magizoologist, Tina WTF?” I asked.

“You fucking bithc!” yelled Tina at Magizoologist. “I want to shit next to him!1”

“No I do!” shouted.

“No he doesn’t fucking like u, you bitch!” yelled Tina.

“No fuck you motherfucker he laves me not you!” shouted Magizoologist. And then……………… she jumped on Tina! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other.

Serphina yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…… a terrible man with colorless eyes and no hair pigmentation flew in on his broomstick. He had no hair pigmentation and was wearing a gray cloak. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Mary Lou that fucking second salemer started to cry. Magizoologist and Tina stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….Grinzelwald!

“Neet…..Newt…….” Kylo Fen sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Magizoologist as well. If thou does not kill her before then I shall kill Tina too!”

“Plz don’t make me kill her plz!” I begged.

“No!” he laughed crudely. “Kill her, or I shall kill her anyway!” Then he flew away cackling.

I bust into tears. Tina and Magizoologist came to contort me. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and beasty. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Grindlewad coming to kill Tina while Tina let the swooping evil bite her in a depressed way.

“No!” I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

“Newt Newt aure you alright?” asked Tina in a worried voice.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“Everyfing’s all right Nwet.” said Magizoologist all sensetive.

“No its not!” I shouted angrily. Tearz of venom went down my face. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Phantom of Da Opera!”

“Its ok man.” said B’loody Auror. “Maybe u should ask Gnarlak about what the visions mean though.”

“Ok ashole.” I said sadly and den we went.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well he gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.
> 
> “What do you c?” he asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: second salemerz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 dan fagz 4 di help!

Well we went to Da Bling Pig next so I got to ask Griphook about the visions.

“Shalom everybody come in.” said Gnarlak in Hebrew. He smelled at me with his sharp teeth. He’s da coolest fucking mobster ever. He had short dead black hair and brown eyes. (hs dad woz a magizoologist. He’s also haf Israeli so he speaks it and everyfing. he n b’loody arr get along grate) He’s really young for a mobster. 2day he was wearing a black leather coat with red shirt and a long black ripped trousers. We went inside the speakeasy with pastors of me and Tina. I walked over to him. I was wearing a black boe Tie with red stripes on it.

“What is it Newt?” he asked. “Hey I love ur bowtie where’d u get it, Maci's?”

“Yeah.” I answered. All the second salemers who didn’t know what M's was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. “Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?”

“Ho about now?” he asked.

“OK.” I said.

“OK closing fucking time every1.” Griphook said and he made every1 go. “Except for you Mary Lou.” he pointed at Mary Lou and sum other second salemers. “Please go take out the trash.”

“OK I’m having lotz of visions.” I said in a worried voice. I’m so worried is Tina gong 2 die.

Well he gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

“What do you c?” he asked.

“I said I see a black ballet flat and a creature feeding chart.”

Suddenly there was a knock on the wall (where they painting was). I looked at it. It was Tina. She was looking really sexy wearing a sparkly dark blue flapper dress.

“Okay you can go now, see ya dickface.” said Gnarlak.

“Bye asshole.” I said waving.

I went to Tina and Magizoologist was sitting next to her. We both followed Tina together and I was so exhibited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [OOC: Not thrilled about having made Gnarlak Jewish, but... he was one of the only few characters I hadn't used yet, and I'd already replaced Japanese with Hebrew. So consider it a commentary on the anti-semitic Jewish-coding of goblins in HP and FBAWTFT. Now, that's quite enough discourse; let's get back to our regulary scheduled programming and see what Nwet is up to.]


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don't let this magic die  
> The answer's there  
> Oh, just look in her eyes”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Hannah 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 dan fangz for de help!1

I was so excited. I fellowed Tina wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Tina’s black car.

“Newt what the fuck did Griphook say.” whispered Tina potting her whit hand with clear nail polish on mine.

“He said he would tell me what the visions meant torromow.” I grumbled in a sexy voice. She took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. She started to fly the car into a tree. We went to the top of it. Tina put on some Weird Sisters.

“Don't let this magic die  
The answer's there  
Oh, just look in her eyes” sang Stubby’s sexy voice. We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. I took of her white girdle and her white corselet. She took of my white boxers. Then……………………… I put my trobbing you-know-what in her tool sexily.

“OMFG Tina Tina!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a white guy was shooting two beasty people with fluffy brown hair.

“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.

“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Newt what’s wrong?” Tina asked me as I woke up opening my sea-green eyes.

I started to cry and tears of venom went down my face. I told Tina to call Magizoologist. She did it with her blak rotary phone. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where……………………… Rivka and Aberfroth!111

**Author's Note:**

> IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!


End file.
